A new structure

This new job is causing me to pause and think about the structures I live within.  I need structure.  I need it just as much as my students need it.  It's why I was always good at school.  I always knew what to expect from each day.  I always knew what I would be doing.

Now, however, I am learning that flexibility is in my job discription with a new definition.  When I was a general education classroom teacher, flexibility meant extending my math block when my students needed more time in a concept; it meant compacting curriculum for academically talented students; it meant cancelling an activity because of an assembly.

As a gifted teacher and push-in math teacher, flexbility means I might now see my students; it means having several lessons ready in case I get a few spare moments to meet with some kids; it means 15 minute planning sessions with teachers about student needs; it means learning how to put on the student news in the mornings; it means scheduling my own time...

it means I found a gray hair the other day for the first.time.ever!

I love my kids.  I want what is best for them.  Right now, I feel like I am struggling to meet their needs because I am struggling to figure out how to build structure for myself.  This makes me feel guilty and tired and sad. 

I so want to love my job and be passionate about it.  Since starting my master's, I have felt like I was walking on the  beach.  The sand is hot and it's difficult to walk but I'm making progress and I can see the shore and the refreshing waves and the cooler wet packed sand.  So far this year, I fell like I'm in the desert.  The sand is scorching and ever step feels like it's pulling me downward; mirages pop up here and there looking like refuge but disappearing in the blink of an eye.

Will I ever get the hang of all of this paperwork and scheduling?  I will strive to give my students the support they so desperately need and to challenge them and love them.  Lord knows they are the best part of this work we do as educators.